Three of My Babies Are in Heaven


Photo Credit: Shannon Murray


I’ve been pregnant four times between the ages of 20 to 25.


But I only have one of my children living with me today.


My first pregnancy resulted in a missed miscarriage. My baby stopped growing in my womb around eight weeks, but we didn’t find out until two weeks later when I started spotting. It was heartbreaking.


Within six weeks, I was pregnant again. But then the spotting started. Again. Thankfully, even though I bled throughout that pregnancy, I was blessed with my amazing daughter.


We decided to try again, and we got pregnant the FIRST TIME we tried! It felt unbelievable! But again, the spotting began. Only this time it got worse, and I was in an awful amount of pain. Because of COVID, the Early Pregnancy Unit was hesitant to see me. So I waited a few more weeks. When I was still bleeding and still in pain, they finally agreed to scan me. At that time we found a pregnancy in my right fallopian tube. I was given methotrexate and told to come back every forty-eight hours to measure my HCG levels. But forty-eight hours later, I was rushed into emergency surgery to have my tube removed as it had ruptured.

Because of the methotrexate we had to wait three months before trying again. During the fifth month those two pink lines appeared. This was finally it—we were finally going to get our happy ending. Or so we thought.


Everything seemed fine. I had four scans and all showed a healthy baby growing. Our last one took place when I was thirteen weeks, one day pregnant.


But at fifteen weeks I had the most severe pain all around my stomach, so I headed straight to the hospital. My cervix was closed and my baby appeared to be fine on the scan, so I was sent home to rest.


Three days later, I started spotting (for the first time during that pregnancy. So I rushed straight back to the hospital.


After hours of waiting, I was finally seen, and within minutes I saw the look of dread on the doctor’s face. I was told that I was in labor. My cervix had completely opened and I would be delivering my baby within the next few hours.


The following morning, January 25, 2021, our baby boy entered the world, silent and still. He was 19 centimeters long and weight 99 grams.


We were just 24 hours short of the threshold to have a postmortem done, so three months later, we still have no answers.


We have three babies in heaven.


We are heartbroken.


Thank you @xshanmurray for sharing your story. Shared with permission.



Coping with the heartache of miscarriage and pregnancy loss can feel lonely. I Had a Miscarriage is a powerful companion for those who have experienced loss, with insight from both a personal and psychological perspective.



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