Updated: Apr 4, 2021
Photo Credit: Brandee Webster
When I was only 16 years old, I found myself staring at a plus sign on a white stick. I thought to myself: My life is over. It's completely over. I will never be able to have the life I wanted. This baby deserves anyone BUT me.
I went to school and kept it secret from everyone including my parents and my partner. That is, until I started bleeding. ALOT. That instinct that I had lacked in the beginning kicked in right at that moment and I told my mother to drive me to the ER IMMEDIATELY because I was 5 weeks pregnant and bleeding.
Despite her anger with me, she did drive me and after an ultrasound, I heard those words so many women dread to hear. "I'm sorry, but there is no baby anymore." I became numb. I got back in the car with my mom and her 'comforting' words were, "well thank God cause you are too young anyway."
Those words pierced my soul like daggers. I did this to this baby because I was too young. I did this because I was excited. I did this.
With a lack of judgment, I got pregnant AGAIN only months after I lost my first baby.
This time I bought the BEST prenatal vitamins. I didn't lift heavy things. I didn't eat anything except healthy stuff. I told myself I'm going to do it RIGHT this time. I told my partner who wasn't exactly excited, but was happy that I had a purpose to live again. I told my mom who screamed at me and I literally had to tell her you say whatever she wanted, but NOT to scream it because I was terrified that ANY stress would kill the baby.
I went into my 7 week appointment absolutely sure that this baby was going to be my rainbow. They would be my miracle.
What I heard though was "I'm sorry, but there's no heartbeat. The baby never developed past five weeks."
Unlike the first loss where I was numb, I screamed and cried until I puked. I refused to leave the office just yelling "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"
The doctor coldly stated, "you are young and have time for more babies." I DIDN'T WANT MORE BABIES. I WANTED MY FRIGGIN BABIES. I WANTED WHAT WAS MY FLESH AND BLOOD AND MY BODY FAILED THEM!
Even though I qualified for testing to see why I miscarried multiple losses, they assumed it was because I was doing drugs or abusing my body. So no one even tried to figure out why I kept losing my babies. A year passed and as expected, I was pregnant again.
This time I demanded ALL the lab work and all that came of that was a mild progesterone issue. So we stayed on top of that. I lived in constant agony that I would "probably" lose this baby too. But I didn't.
A miracle gave us our first perfect baby, Aurora Carol. I sobbed so hard and refused to let anyone hold her because I was so scared to lose her. She saved me from crippling depression and gave me a purpose.
I went to college, for her. I got jobs to help her. I recognized that her bio dad was not helpful, so we separated.
When I turned 20 years old, I started seeing a man that was deployed. We bonded very quickly and within nine months of his return, we were planning a wedding.
A month before the wedding, I got pregnant and for once EVERYONE was excited for us. So I brought everyone in to to my seven-week appointment only to find that my baby had passed. Again.
I almost didn't even react anymore because I'd come to terms with the feeling that my body is just a baby killer for some reason unknown to me.
We moved on and two months later we got pregnant AGAIN, and this time, at nine weeks, we saw those magical little flickers. OF LIFE! HE WAS ALIVE!
My baby had survived. I told my baby stories all the time. We bought blankets. And then one day while driving I felt a gush of blood and I screamed "GO TO THE ER! NO, NO, NO, HE HAD A HEARTBEAT. HE HAS TO LIVE. HE HAS TO LIVE!"
The ER unfortunately had to tell me they didn't know why my baby passed, but gave me the option for a D & C or to miscarry naturally at home.
I elected to mourn at home but my doctor's eventually ended up testing me and it turns out I have the MTHFR gene, along with autoimmune conditions. They stated it isn't impossible but it would be hard to maintain a healthy baby.
We waited six months before we started a whole regimen to keep the next baby safe.
And he was! We had alexander a month early due to preeclampsia but he is here and perfect. A year later I found out I was pregnant again. I was sure my baby would die so I didn't grow attached until I found out she was a girl. At the time, I was losing my mother so I told my mom my baby girl would be named after here.
Photo Credit: Brandee Webster
So here I am one long story later. I tied my tubes because I can't handle losing another baby. But I have seven babies—three earth side and four angels.
Thank you Brandee Webster for sharing your story. Shared with permission.