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My Baby Is in Heaven, but It Still Hurts

Updated: Feb 7

Photo Credit: Madison Berge

My husband and I found out we were pregnant mid-November, 2023. I was five weeks along at that time.

We were truly overjoyed.

We'd celebrated our one year wedding wedding anniversary in October and were excited for this next step.

Since I was little, I've always wanted to be a mom. My career decisions have always fluctuated, but my one constant desire was to be a mom.

We told our families and close friends on Thanksgiving because I couldn’t contain the excitement even if I tried. We then went to Disney the first week in December and I was careful to not ride on any rides that felt risky or unsafe. We decided to buy a baby outfit there, and take a picture to use for our Facebook announcement.

I had my first OB appointment scheduled for the day after we got back from Disney. December 11. By then, I was 10-weeks pregnant.

I was initially told it was too early and a sonogram wasn't necessary. I asked to have one done anyway, but I was informed that the office I was in didn't have the equipment to do one. But I was examined and the OB said everything looked good, so we went ahead and posted our Facebook announcement.

The appointment was on a Monday, and on Thursday I began experiencing light bleeding that was dark in color. I called the office and was told not to worry too much—that sometimes it can be late implantation bleeding or a subchorionic hematoma which often resolves on its own. I was told to call again if I experienced any pain.

I never really felt much pain but I dived into research and asking my pregnancy community moms about their experiences. I learned enough to try and convince myself it was a hematoma that would resolve on it’s own, but I had no peace about it. In the back of my mind, I still felt like something was wrong.

On Saturday, I began feeling slight abdominal discomfort, but nothing like period cramps, so I hesitantly dismissed it.

But by Sunday, I couldn’t take it anymore. I made my husband take me to the hospital because I needed to know everything was okay. I thought I knew what they were going to say.

But what I didn't expect was, that after five or six hours in the ER, was for the doctor to come back and tell my my baby had no heartbeat.

I was broken. I still feel broken.

I was told my baby measured at about six weeks gestation, and my body was just realizing it wasn't a viable pregnancy.

I was having a miscarriage and it shook me to the core.

Finally, beginning on Tuesday night, my body labored and I passed all of the clots and blood like I was told I would, but I didn't want to believe it.

I believe I birthed my baby, whom I believe was a boy, on December 20, 2023.

I finally stopped bleeding completely about a week-and-a-half later.

We have faith and hope in God, because I know He holds my baby now and it is a much better place than this broken world. But it doesn’t take the pain away whatsoever.

I think I’ve realized there is no escape from the pain. We have no choice but to cling to God as we move through the pain.

So here we are, grieving our baby, grieving what was longed for, and grieving a time when we didn’t have to know this trauma and loss. I've also realized we grieve differently, which is hard sometimes, but we are trying to stay connected as we navigate these rough waters, hanging on to the only hope we have in Him.

Thank you, Madison Berge, for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Losing a child is heartbreaking. Loved Baby is a beautiful resource to help grieving parents of faith through their darkest days.

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