Photo Credit: Sara Hand
2023 was a difficult year for my family.
It began with our house flooding and us being displaced for two months. Toward the end of the year it included job loss, anxiety, and depression.
So, it came as a complete surprise when on November 12, after seven months of hoping and praying for a second child, I saw the two pink lines that told me a baby was on the way.
For almost two months, we rejoiced that 2024 was going to be a vast improvement over 2023.
On January 2, I went to the doctor for my first pregnancy appointment. I was ready to see my baby on the ultrasound, but it ended in heartbreak when the ultrasound technician said, “I see two gestational sacs, but I don’t see a baby.”
I found out that I had a type of missed miscarriage known as a blighted ovum. I spent the rest of the day holding my tears back at work and letting the tears loose at home.
Most people in my position may have written off the new year at that point as another bad year, but I know that a lot can change between now and next December. God creates beauty from ashes, and I will trust Him to do so. Some people might even say, “Well, I guess it wasn’t in God’s timing” in response to the pregnancy’s failure. But I respectfully disagree. I felt God’s peace with me the entire time I was pregnant, so I know that it happened in His perfect timing.
For almost two months, I had hope in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. I had happiness that no one could touch. I was able to announce to family on Christmas day that I was pregnant. It was fun and wonderful, and I would not take any of it back. It made the holidays so much more precious.
I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out why the pregnancy wasn’t successful, but my prayer simply is, “God, I know that good will come out of this because you promise it in your Word.”
Sadly, we live in a fallen world and we have fallen bodies that don’t always work the way we want them to. In this time of confusion and grief, all I can do is be still and know that He is God.
In 2024, I’m going to tell my daughter every day how much I love her, and make sure I get as many hugs as I can while she’s still small and wants the hugs. I’m going to take a trip with my husband and remember the good times, and dream about the memories we still have to make. I’m going to read more good books, maybe finally learn how to cook better, and build stronger connections with friends and family.
I’ll focus on my health and be ready for whatever God has in store for us next.
Thank you, Sara Hand, for sharing your story. Shared with permission.
Losing a child is heartbreaking. Loved Baby is a beautiful resource to help grieving parents of faith through their darkest days. Pregnancy AFTER loss can also be disorienting. Courageously Expecting is an empathetic and encouraging companion for those who are pregnant after losing a baby.
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