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They Passed Away in Our Arms

Photo Credit: Lacey Kallay

I had my anatomy scan at 21 weeks instead of 20 weeks because it was too close to the start of the school year for me to be out with a sub. It was my birthday and I thought getting a half day off work and getting to see my sweet babies was the perfect way to spend the day. I had no idea my world was about to come crashing down.

Everything about our twin boys was perfect, but then the doctor came in the room and said my cervix was too short. It should’ve been 3+ cm and it was barely 1cm. She said I was being sent to maternal fetal medicine downtown and needed to be seen immediately. She also mentioned hoping I would make it to 24 weeks so they’d have a chance to survive.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. We had two losses leading up to the twins and it took us about 18 months to get pregnant with them. I felt like this couldn’t really be happening. Everything had been so perfect with my pregnancy up to this point.

We got an appointment for early the next morning, and after dropping our almost 3 year old daughter off at daycare, we headed downtown. They did another anatomy scan with more advanced equipment and then the doctor came in to see if I was dilated.

After determining I was about 1 cm dilated, we were sent upstairs to labor and delivery for an emergency cerclage. The cerclage was placed and I was given some pills to stop my body from going into labor. I was then sent home and was specifically told not to be on bed rest as studies show it doesn’t help and could actually put me at risk of blood clots.

We made it through Labor Day weekend and I went to work the following Tuesday. I tried to sit all day at work and take it easy, but by the end of the work day I thought I was having contractions. After getting home from work, my husband and I went back to labor and delivery.

I was examined and it was determined that the cerclage was not working. My body was in labor and the cerclage needed to come out. The doctor talked to us about delivering twin A and hoping my labor would stop to give twin B a little more time, but that didn’t happen. Both boys were born that evening at 22 weeks and 1 day, and passed away in our arms a few hours later. I will forever cherish those precious moments we spent loving our boys together.

A little note about their names— My husband, Jon, loves puns and has always joked we’d name a son “Brock Kallay” (say it fast), but I’ve always vetoed that. When he brought up the idea of silly middle names, it was the first time I smiled and laughed through everything. So Henry was baby A and his middle name starts with A. Jack was baby B and his middle name starts with B. It’s silly, but we’re finding a way to smile through the tears.

Thank you Lacey Kallay / @laceykall for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss.

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