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There Are Two Where There Should Be Three

We waited for you for 40 weeks, Ivar Macharia Muturi.

Photo Credit: Clare Moraa

On October 26, 2021, at 9:00 a.m., our baby boy was born. He weighed 6 pounds, 6 1/4 ounces.

He didn't make a sound or move at all, and my heart dropped.

I had given up upon seeing him like that, but after being tended to by the doctors for a couple of minutes, he finally made a sound. I could hear his sweet little noises and suddenly I was so hopeful. I thought he was going to be okay. He had been my brave little man

The doctor told me he was okay and had birth asphyxia which had caused brain damage. He had to be in the NBU for a couple of days for monitoring, but I was told he would be okay in no time.

I prayed so hard and thanked God for letting me have the joy of motherhood.

The pain I felt for the three days while I had been in labor felt worth it. I suddenly had enough strength to move around and make sure that everything was in place for our little boy.

He was in the NBU for the rest of the day, then suddenly started convulsing on October 27.

That day was very hectic for me. Seeing my son in so much pain and not being able to stop it was the worst feeling. He fought so hard to stay alive but on October 28, at 4:30 p.m., he finally gave up.

He tried so hard while I was in the nursery—it's like he didn't want me to see him take his last breath. He didn't give up until I left the room.

Seeing him lie there breathless was the worst pain I ever felt. I stood there for a minute, confused. I didn't want to believe he was gone. I held him for a whole hour and didn't want to let go because I thought that maybe a miracle would bring my sweet baby back.

My life has never been the same.

Ivar Macharia Muturi, you would be 4 months old and I can't stop thinking about how life would have been with you here in our arms. We had a whole life planned for the three of us and now it's just two. We had this plan to unbox you as a gift on December 26, 2021 because you would have been our best gift. That will be our saddest memory for the rest of our lives. Rest well, my Ivar. Your father and I will always love you and miss you.

Thank you Clare Moraa for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss.

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