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I Hoped the Stillbirth of My Son Was a Bad Dream

On November 3, 2022, our life changed forever.

I knew something was wrong. I knew my body was trying to tell me something was off. I knew my baby was telling me he needed me.

Photo Credit: Diamond Fernandez

I ignored my gut and went to work, then called the doctor’s office. In my mind I felt as if I was being a bother because two weeks prior I called for the same reason (decreased fetal movement.) At that time, after a check, it was determined the baby was fine.

When it happened again, I thought it was all in my head. I thought I was just making myself crazy. When I called that afternoon and told the nurse, she said she didn’t feel comfortable with me not coming in. I was almost going to wait until the next day because we had a prenatal appointment scheduled. Thankfully I listened to the nurse and I went in.

We waited for over an hour for our NST to be completed when the doctor came and told us there wasn't much movement. At that point I was worried, then the doctor on call said “I’m probably going to have to deliver you today."

Still never in my mind did I think I’d go in to labor and delivery and have the outcome we did.

By the time we got to the hospital and they were checking for his heartbeat, it had dropped so low that they rushed me in for an emergency C-section. There wasn’t enough time for an epidural or a spinal, so they had to put me to sleep. When I woke up I had no idea what had happened, no idea that my baby had been born sleeping.

Photo Credit: Diamond Fernandez

Silas, my angel was born at 3:33 p.m. and I didn't wake up until 5:30 p.m. Our family was there, they got to see him. Everyone knew before me.

When I woke up and they broke the news to me I was hoping it was a bad dream, that I was still sleeping. But then they brought me my baby and that’s when it hit me . . . he really did not make it.

Photo Credit: Diamond Fernandez

How could I not blame myself? How could I forgive myself? It’s been the hardest thing to go through. He would’ve been 15 months old.

Silas made me a mommy, he made me the strong person I am today. I will forever try to share his story, to encourage women to listen to their body and their gut.

Fast forward to today I get to hold his baby sister, sent from her big brother in heaven. She will always hear about her big brother. How he is in the stars, walking in heaven, being her protector.

We are thankful for him always. Mommy and daddy miss you so so much baby boy—our first born!

Thank you Diamond Fernandez for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss. Pregnancy AFTER loss can also be disorienting. Courageously Expecting is an empathetic and encouraging companion for those who are pregnant after losing a baby.

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