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She Was Perfect, Just Without Breath

Photo Credit: Georgia Hansen

Amelia was baby number four in our family. She followed three little boys. She was long-awaited and her brothers, daddy, and I were beyond excited for her arrival. I had first dreamed of her eight years earlier. In that dream, I was clearly shown her name Amelia Jade, written out in chalk on a driveway. I would then “see” her in the faces of random little girls with curly blonde hair out in the world.

We knew she was coming. It was just a matter of when. Finally, after eight years of waiting, I told my husband she was ready to come. He knew by now to trust me. That same month we conceived her.

Fast forward to July 27, 2017, one day over her due date, I was finally on the way to the hospital in very active labor. We were ready to meet the soul we had waited so long for. In hindsight, I should have felt excited about our dream finally coming true, but the only way I can describe the feeling I had on route to the hospital, was an emptiness and a feeling of doom.

We pulled up and rushed into the Pregnancy Assessment Unit. As we were led into the consultation room, I was contracting with only a 10 to 30-second break in between. I told the midwife I was hoping for a water birth, and she started getting that ready with the other birth-suite staff.

I was very calm and zen-like. I had done a hypnobirthing course in this pregnancy and was very prepared for a natural sacred birth.

Sacred is what I got.

The midwife came back in with the doppler, but after a few minutes of messing around, she called a doctor in with a scanner. I wasn't concerned at this point. I was still in my zone.

All three of them (the midwife, doctor, and my husband) had poker faces looking at the screen.

Another doctor appeared, and it was then I came out of my zone and screamed, "WHAT IS GOING ON?"

That was when the senior doctor told me, "I'm so sorry darling, she's gone."

"What do you mean, she's right there, in my belly, FIND HER!"

This is the moment my world stopped. The moment that changed me forever. Irrevocably. Incomprehensibly.

The moments following this are of true divinity. The labour pain stopped. After my primal screams, the room went quiet. I felt a vibration come through my body and I knew it to be a higher power, God, the Divine, Source energy. And I heard these words, loud, thunderous in my ears, "EVERYTHING IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE OK."

Somehow, I trusted. And knew it to be the truth.

Amelia Jade Mcleod Hansen was born a couple of hours later at 12:40 a.m. on July 28, 2017.

It was the most divine and sacred birth. She was perfect. Just without breath.

The autopsy later revealed that she passed on the way to hospital from a placental issue.

The nine months of my rainbow pregnancy was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was given a ten-percent chance of having the same placental issue that caused Amelia's death, so every minute was living on a knife's edge. If I didn't feel anything for an hour, I would race to hospital, unable to breathe properly from panic, begging "God, please don't let her be dead.*

Even with the panic, and anxiety, using all the tools I had on my belt as an intuitive mentor, I always knew in my soul, I was meant to have a living daughter. Fifteen months later, we welcomed our rainbow baby girl, Amber Jade, into the world.

Amelia has been my catalyst for living a beautiful life. A life full of grace and reverence for the miracles and magic that are all around us.

She is the reason I have co-authored four books so far and started GM House—a publishing company to share and amplify the stories of women who've got a message to share. Our first book, Extraordinary, just launched and became an International bestseller within hours.

She is the reason I co-founded Angel Mama House, a safe haven to support women who've experienced loss like mine.

After having Amelia, I quickly discovered there was no help, not the kind I needed. The support groups were mostly telling your story to strangers, which was comforting a few times because I met some beautiful women who truly understood and who will be lifelong friends. But there were no tools or practices to move through your grief. So I trained and researched and have put it all into Angel Mama House.

Every moment of my life since then has been a reaction to the catalytic event that altered my life. I vow to live a life of grace, reverence and beauty in honor of my daughter. Further, to teach and be exemplary in showing others there is magic in absolutely everything. Even and especially, in the tragic.

Thank you, Georgia Hansen, for sharing your story. Shared with permission. For more about Georgia and her story find her at @georgia.m.hansen, @angelmamahouse, and @gmh.publishing

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss. Pregnancy AFTER loss can also be disorienting. Courageously Expecting is an empathetic and encouraging companion for those who are pregnant after losing a baby.

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