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I'm Choosing To Live Because My Son Didn't Get To

Photo Credit: Malaine Butler

Noah Alexander Butler was born on May 20, 2021, at 10:53 p.m. He was surrounded by complete and utter love. Noah didn’t cry. Noah didn’t scream. Noah was born silent.

As I was pushing Noah out I screamed, “God please help me!”

The experience has been emotional, devastating, traumatic, and also sacred.

When he finally arrived earth-side, my midwife quietly whispered, “He’s here Malaine, Noah is here.”

I feel like God heard my cries because as I held Noah for a few moments everything seemed perfect. I have never experienced the profound love that I had in that moment of holding my sweet, perfect, third-born son.

As we near closer and closer to Noah’s heavenly 2nd birthday, so much of life has changed.

Noah gave me permission to live life exactly how I desire. He showed me the vibrancy the world has to offer. He gave me an understanding for gratitude and appreciation for my children.

Yes, Noah died. It was the worst day of my entire existence. And I can’t change what has happened. So I have chosen to LIVE because of Noah not in spite of the experience.

I have created a sacred safe haven for bereaved mothers called Angel Mama House. I have created the nonprofit Noah Alexander Foundation. This is his legacy, this is how I keep my beautiful boy alive.

A little over a year after Noah died, Ava Marie Butler was born. Ava means life and Marie means desired child.

Ava is by no means a replacement but she is mending our hearts a little and bringing life back into our home.

Noah cannot be replaced and he never will be because his legacy lives on through me, through my family.

Noah was meant to be our last child. When he died we decided to have one more. So we named his little sister Ava because we believe he is the reason she has life.

I’ve chosen to live because of the experience. I’ve chosen to live because of and for my son. I hope you can do the same. I hope you find peace and never give up hope. Miracles happen.

Thank you Malaine Butler for sharing your story. Shared with permission. For more about Malaine and her story find her at @hey_angel_mama and @angelmamahouse.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss. Pregnancy AFTER loss can also be disorienting. Courageously Expecting is an empathetic and encouraging companion for those who are pregnant after losing a baby.

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