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I Hope One Day I'll Grow a Beautiful Baby

Photo Credit: Debbie Gray

*Trigger Warning: This post mentions abortion and miscarriage.

I’ve always wanted children. It’s in my blood. My granny was a preschool teacher. So was my mum. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a mum.

In 2010, I fell pregnant and very quickly miscarried only a few days after finding out. It was hard, but I was young—23 years old—and have always said everything happens for a reason.

In 2016, I fell pregnant again, but had already ended it with my partner. I elected for an abortion as I didn’t want a child to not have a dad. I dwell on this so much and wonder if I did the right thing. It breaks me, but I know I did.

I’ve always suffered with cysts and a variety of other issues. In 2019, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, uterine fibroids and adenomyosis. I thought I’d lost my chance to be a mum, but one year later, I found out I was pregnant.

The doctor was concerned as my HCG levels were high and they couldn’t see much on the ultrasound. They thought it was an ectopic pregnancy. But there were two beautiful sacs a week later, growing as they should. But at six weeks, it was confirmed that one was empty, while the other had a yolk sac.

I went back for another scan at week seven, but we didn’t see anything but two growing sacs. I was told to prepare for a blighted ovum.

At eight-and-a-half weeks pregnant, a missed miscarriage was confirmed and they couldn’t do a D & C due to COVID.

I cried like a baby, heartbroken and hurt, wondering why my body doesn’t want to be a mum.

I did manage to have the D & C and I’m so grateful as having the tablet is just awful to go through.

This has been such a roller coaster. My mum’s pregnancy with me was a twin pregnancy. She lost one and had a D & C without knowing I was there. Three weeks later, her doctor discovered I was hiding at the back of her uterus.

I hope one day my time will come and I’ll grow a beautiful baby and be the Mum I know I can be!

Thank you @Debs13 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Coping with the heartache of miscarriage can feel lonely. I Had a Miscarriage is a powerful companion for those who have experienced loss, with insight from both a personal and psychological perspective.

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