I Have Peace Around My Baby Girl's Death, But Not Closure
Photo Credit: Zachary Ellison
Knowing how to approach the subject escapes me every time. In the beginning it was easy— wanting to comfort my mourning wife made it so. In fact, I became very comfortable not talking about how I was doing. After all, she was feeling the same things I was. My way of expressing pain was to lose myself in my art, creativity, and fantasy. But as time went on and healing progressed I noticed more and more that I didn't talk about it. This made me begin to question what my feelings on the subject truly were. And more specifically, why I avoided the subject.
Azarayah Felicity Ellison was (and is) my daughter. Her death was not expected. And it did not come even close to being easy. It felt like getting hit by a train. Only the train was life. And life at that time, was good. Up until this point (thirty-two weeks along in the pregnancy) she passsed every test with flying colors.
I will say that I do not blame myself. However sometimes I wish could. If I could rightfully blame myself for the situation then I would be far closer to understanding the hardest and largest question asked for tragedy after tragedy. Why?
Closure is the one piece I feel that I still lack. I have long since come to terms with my daughter passing on. I have accepted that she is not coming back, and I rejoice every day knowing that she is at peace. She's never experienced a day without Jesus. She's never known anything except love, joy, and fulfillment. I have an overabundance of peace for the situation. A peace that could only come from the Holy Ghost.
And yet, I still mourn. I still long to know. Why?
This fact makes talking about it hard. How do I explain that I have peace about her being gone, but not closure? How do I express that I miss her more than ever but still would rather her be where she is now? How do I come to terms with accepting that she is in eternity, but not understanding why she couldn't stay? Closure is the largest mountain that still has to be moved.
What I do know is that she is beautiful. What I do know is there will be a day when I will gaze into her eyes again. There will be a day when my time will come. And when that day comes, I believe that we will have eternity to make up for the lost time we had on earth. In paradise.
Azarayah Felicity Ellison. Born into eternity. You were born silent, perfect, and beautiful. Still loved, still missed, still remembered. Everyday, stillborn. But still born.
Thank you Zachary Ellison for sharing your story here. Shared with permission.
We know that losing a child is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can experience. Loved Baby is a beautiful resource to help grieving parents of faith through their darkest days.
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