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I Had to Say Goodbye to My Baby

Photo Credit: Amy Garcia

On September 28, 2020, I finally gave in and took a test. I remember breaking down because I was going to make my baby girl a big sister. Those lines have never been so dark in my life. In what felt like a matter of seconds, I knew it was positive.

But everything changed on September 30, 2020, when I went to the hospital for bleeding.

The doctor told me, “If I’m being honest, I don’t know how you made it this far. You are 8 weeks pregnant but your baby is in the tube. If you would have waited a little more you wouldn’t have been here.”

I remember laying on the cold bed and praying for some good answers.

Then on October 1, the start of pregnancy and infant loss month, I had to say goodbye to my baby. I left that hospital with an empty heart.

How was I going to tell my little girl that her baby wasn’t here with us anymore?

Every month I asked myself how much bigger I would have been and how my baby girl would have been. I'd have been feeling her baby kick away.

My follow up appointment with my doctor was nothing but tears. She said the damage to my tubes puts me at a high risk to ever get pregnant again.

I said to myself “I officially failed my daughter. She will never be a big sister again.”

That’s the moment I felt closest to God. I talked to him everyday and I see him with me more. Everything seems so much better. He had other plans for me and knew we needed him the most in those moments.

In April 2021, I took a test (I was constantly taking tests because I was scared to end up in the same situation.)

Those lines showed up so quickly again. My face went blank.

I stood there for the longest time trying to process. My husband knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I remember opening the door with tears in my face and he held me so tight. I’ll never forget that hug.

I took a deep breath and said to myself, “God, if this baby is meant for our family then we are ready for any obstacles that are going to come our way. But if you need this baby back please take care of him.”

I spent days in and out of that hospital. Those hours dragged so much. Visits with my doctor brought me to tears again. But this time, they were happy tears. God was just making sure our baby was perfect! He was here to stay and was going to fight all the odds!

Our rainbow baby is here now. He is two months old and he’s so loved and blessed. We beat the odds and our family is complete. I’m here watching my baby girl be a big sister and everything seems perfect.

Thank you Amy Garcia / @garcia29a__ for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy after loss can be incredibly challenging. Find empathy and encouragement for this season after loss in Courageously Expecting: 30 Days of Encouragement for Pregnancy After Loss.

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