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Another Baby Won't Replace Her

Photo Credit: Bam Davenport

I'm sitting in my OB office, awaiting my third and fourth blood draws after a failed glucose challenge test. I'm pregnant with my second rainbow baby, and my first rainbow is playing with cars and dinosaurs on the waiting room floor.

This pregnancy hasn't been easy. There have been complications. Fear. Anxiety.

The knowledge that tomorrow is the one year anniversary of our second trimester missed miscarriage while I carry our rainbow isn't easy.

Finding the balance between grief and gratitude is not easy either.

The loss was not an easy one. None of them are. But I'm plagued with flashbacks and memories these past few days. Missing her and loving her is like the wind. I can feel it, it's there. But I can't see her.

My hope and gratitude are ebbing and flowing, combined with my grief. We will always grieve her and going through this pregnancy after her loss has been unimaginably hard.

Having a previous rainbow did not prepare me for this second rainbow.

Everyone is different. One baby doesn't replace a baby lost. Every journey takes its own path.

I will always be sad and grieve our losses. But every time I feel the wind on my face, I'm reminded of love, loss, and gratitude. And that's not half bad.

I'll probably be holding my breath these last few weeks of pregnancy as I've learned no matter how far you get, there are no guarantees. But I have hope. And I hold on to that with both hands.

Thank you Bam Davenport / @doublerainnbow for sharing your story. Shared with permission. Find more of Bam's story here.

Pregnancy loss is the hardest thing for a mother to endure. And pregnancy after loss? It's the second hardest. Find empathy, understanding, and encouragement in Courageously Expecting: 30 Days of Encouragement for Pregnancy After Loss.

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