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I Can't Explain the Heartbreak of Losing My Baby

Photo Credit: Whitney Thornton

In February of 2021, we started trying for our second baby.

On July 15, the day I was supposed to start my period, I felt off. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Three tests later it still didn’t seem real. My first appointment was scheduled for August 3.

During those few weeks I cried more than I have in months. And not happy tears. For some reason I was so depressed. Something didn’t feel right. I was constantly comparing this pregnancy to my first and they were completely different.

With this pregnancy I had spotting constantly. I was sick to my stomach every time I went to the bathroom and saw blood. When we were finally able to go to the doctor, we heard the heartbeat. What a relief! The doctor said it was just implantation bleeding and that it should stop soon, but that all is normal and looked fine.

The next week I started spotting again. It didn't seem like a big deal to start with, but it got worse. It took an hour to get in touch with the doctor's office since it was during lunch hours, but when I did, I was told to come in immediately.

I knew. I could feel it in my bones. Something was wrong.

As an ultrasound was being done, I wanted so badly to ask if there was a heartbeat. I could see my 7-week old baby on the screen, but I knew there wouldn’t be a heartbeat and I couldn’t bear it.

When the doctor came in he said the fetus had detached. I lost it.

I will never be able to explain the pain and heartbreak I felt that moment. I was asked how I wanted to handle it. How can that even be a question? Being given the options of how to have my baby removed was sickening. It should not have been happening.

A week later, after my body didn't do it's job, I had to have a D&C.

It seems the aftermath of what happened has lasted so much longer than my actual pregnancy did. We were already planning the gender reveal—I still have the ideas for it saved. I still have the car seat I wanted saved in my Amazon cart. I feel like deleting them will be like deleting a part of me. My baby.

I will always wonder what if, what could be, and what my baby would be like.

Thank you @whitlynn2015 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss.

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