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Deep Down I Knew My Baby Boy Was Gone

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

Photo by Lucy Root

I had two healthy children when I discovered I was expecting a third.

Everything was fine at the 12 week scan and baby was growing well. But at 22 weeks, I was told my baby had no heartbeat.

I was devastated.

My son was born still on September 8, 2019.

We had all the tests done to find out what happened, but a cause of death could not be determined.

After accepting the loss of my son and convincing ourselves we had just been unlucky, we decided to try again.

I got pregnant again and we were over the moon, but I found out I had low PAPPA and would have to take aspiring starting at 12 weeks.

Everything was fine at the 12 week and 20 week scans. Baby was growing well and we found out we were having a little boy.

At my 28 week scan, and then at 32 weeks, everything looked okay.

I saw my midwife on September 22, 2020 and heard my baby’s heartbeat. He was very active for the next few days, but then on September 26, I didn’t feel him move.

I told my husband that he was probably just sleeping and proceeded to try all the tricks to get him to move. But there was still nothing. My husband suggested calling someone so I called my midwife’s office and was advised to go to the hospital. I cried and cried, but tried to think positively.

As we drove to the hospital, I just kept talking to my baby saying “please, please be okay. I need you to be okay.”

When we arrived, the walk seemed to last forever. I went in and gave my name and was asked to take a seat. I gave a urine sample and was told to wait in the room. I felt so lonely and scared.

When the midwife came in with the heart monitoring machine, she couldn’t find a heartbeat.

My stomach dropped.

She said “it’s probably a faulty machine,” and got another machine. Still nothing.

There was a short-lived glimmer of hope when I hear a heartbeat, but realized it was mine. The midwife pointed out my heartbeat and kept trying to find my baby’s. But still nothing.

She said she was going to get a consultant to scan me. I remember him coming in and putting the gel on my belly, just hoping to see a heartbeat. I couldn’t look though. Deep down, I knew, so I lay on the bed with my hands over my eyes just waiting for him to say the words. It felt like I waited for so long, but then he said it—“I’m so sorry.” I cried and said, “not again, please not again!”

I couldn’t believe that my baby boy was gone. We decided to have every test done to find out what happened. We are waiting for the result to come back and hoping that something will come back to help us as we move forward.

Thank you for sharing your story @lucyroot85 for sharing your story.Shared with permission.

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