Updated: Apr 4
A letter to my daughter, Assemah N’mara White,
Photo Credit: Rania Nasreen White
Aseemah, my beautiful girl.
I will love you to my last breath. You will forever be in my heart. You were fierce and strong and everything I didn’t know I needed. The loss I feel now that you’re gone—I can’t put into words. I wish I could have traded my life with yours.
Your name means protector and you protected your sister my girl. You are incredible. I never imagined I would lose you. I will miss you every second of every minute of every day. I miss your little kicks. You somehow always let me know you were there. We used to play tap with each other. I miss that.
I don’t know why God took you from me. That part will never make sense. Aseemah, I miss you my sweet girl and I know your sister does too. I think a part of me died with you. I hope I see you in the sky and feel you in the breeze. Your time may have been short here my love, but it was powerful. You did things men who have lived a whole lifetime can’t. I will forever be your Mama and you will forever be my little girl. Nothing can take that away from us. I wish you could have experienced all this love waiting for you by meeting your family. They will never know quite how amazing you are, but I do. I felt it every day that you were next to my heart. I miss you. Little and mighty, my Aseemah.
It’s hard to believe now because I was scared when I found out I was having twins. Although it didn’t last long and turned into unconditional love right after, I now regret any moment, although short, that wasn’t spent in the pure joy that carrying you gave me.
I carried you for just over half a year and it was an honor. Being your Mama is the single, greatest gift, I have ever experienced.
I carry you still, along with your sister in hopes of bringing her close to term. She has moved around a lot today, probably missing your little kickbacks. I think she’s trying to comfort me as I’m sure she can feel my pain of losing you.
I keep waking up thinking, hoping, it was just a bad dream. Then it hits me, and I feel like I can’t breathe.
I know I have to be strong for your sister, and I will, but know that I’ll never not think of you. I’ll watch over her as you have. I hope you know there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for you. Given the opportunity, I would have traded my life so you and your sister could live together.
A part of me still believes a miracle will happen and they’ve got it wrong. I could write and talk to you forever and I always will. You will forever be in my heart. I wish I could have done more for you.
You did so much for your sister and I, and I just wish I got to see your face and tell you. Tell you how amazing you are and what we all went through together. It was you two that gave me strength during surgery.
I won’t ever have to wonder what you look like since Innayah will have the same face, but I already know you would have had a fiery little personality. God, I love you. You’re my inspiration.
Thank you Rania Nasreen White / @ranianas for sharing your story. Shared with permission. You can find her full story here.
Coping with the grief of pregnancy loss can feel impossible and isolating. Surviving the Unimaginable is a guide to surviving loss, told through the voices of loss parents with the help of a clinical psychologist.
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