Updated: Apr 4, 2021
Photo Credit: Rania Nasreen White
2020 brought the worst loss of my life, while 2021 gave me my biggest blessing. Navigating the utter heartbreak and pure joy is a daily battle.
Being pregnant with identical twin girls, I was over the moon.
At our first appointment, our doctor explained all the risks associated with a monochorionic/diamniotic twin pregnancy. I took it all into account, but never imagined I would experience two of the worst complications.
At our sixteen-week scan, my babies were showing signs of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS) and Twin B appeared to have Selective intrauterine growth restriction
We were referred to a fetal surgeon, where it TTTS and sIGUR were confirmed. Our world shattered. We were given bleak options: cut the cord of Twin B, let nature take its course, or wait a week (which would put me at eighteen-weeks pregnant) when surgery could be performed and hopefully save one, or both, of my babies.
We waited the agonizing week. We wanted to save both babies. I spent every second in constant worry, hoping to feel them both move. It was the longest week of my life.
When the time came, we had the laser ablation surgery to cure the TTTS. It was a success and we were told there were three important markers to reach within the coming weeks—somehow we made it through them all.
Twin B was still suffering from sIGUR from where her umbilical cord had attached to the placenta. There were that could be done for that. I just hoped and prayed we would make it to a promising gestational age before delivering.
Twin A was doing well, but Twin B was struggling though still fighting. It was agreed we would go until thirty-three weeks.
But at twenty-six weeks, our scan showed the worst thing imaginable. Twin B had no heartbeat. The screen still haunts me. I saw my baby lying lifeless.
After seeing her wiggle around for over six months, she was curled up and still.
I broke down. I was in disbelief. I truly believed they had gotten it wrong. All I could do was stay strong for her sister.
I continued to be closely monitored until thrity-nine weeks, when I delivered them by c-section.
Carrying my baby girl while knowing she had already passed was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I missed her little kicks and longed for her. The only thing that got me through was my other daughter.
Their birth was filled with joy as we got to meet our survivor, Inaayah (Twin A), but also so sad at the loss of her sister, Aseemah.
My only regret is that I stared at her, still, in such disbelief that I didn’t hold her.
My husband and I are waiting for her ashes to come home. My heart aches for her so much. There isn’t a day that passes when I don’t cry.
Thank you Rania Nasreen White / @ranianas for sharing your story. Shared with permission.
Coping with the grief of pregnancy loss can feel impossible and isolating. Surviving the Unimaginable is a guide to surviving loss, told through the voices of loss parents with the help of a clinical psychologist.
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