Updated: Apr 4, 2021
Photo by Inna Calica
It’s been a week since our world was flipped upside down. A week of living in a daze, like we’ve been stuck in a continuous dream. One whole week since we learned that our Baby Boy’s spirit had an even greater mission, and it wasn’t here. A week ago, I was lying in bed with a napping Baby Sis when I rubbed my belly and wondered if he was awake. Then suddenly I realized: I haven’t felt him in a while. I don’t even remember when I last felt him move. I grabbed the heartbeat doppler and frantically looked for him. Nothing. Maybe the doppler wasn’t working? I moved the wand to my heart and could hear the sound of it rapidly beating, but I couldn’t hear his. I immediately told JJ. I chugged some cold liquids as he placed his hands on my belly, calling for our Boy and asking for him to wake up. Nothing. We rushed to the hospital and there it was confirmed: our Baby Boy no longer had a heartbeat. In that moment I felt like my own heart shattered into a million pieces. They allowed his precious little body to stay with us that evening. Our most quiet stay in postpartum. I didn’t sleep that night. Or more like I couldn’t. I felt a need to spend every ticking minute with him, awake. I needed to remember every single part of him. That head full of hair and his tiny nose. JJ and I have been clinging onto each other as if our souls depended on it. My soul depended on it. Recovering from the C-section surgery was a cruel reminder that we didn’t get to take him home with us. My body showing signs of wanting to nourish a newborn reminded me that he wasn’t there to wake us in the middle of the night. I miss him so much. It pains me that I couldn’t keep him safe inside my womb. That I couldn’t protect him. Being a mother is indeed a great privilege. I learned that after going through our very first loss. This emphasized it even more. We‘ve been finding solace in God’s Plan. I know we will see him again. He may have been taken away from us so soon, but he is still ours. Our Baby Boy. Our little Superman. I will love you for as long as the stars are above you, my Kalel Jae. Good night, my dearest love. We’ll see you on the morning of when we can be together forever again.
Thank you @innacamille for sharing your story. Shared with permission.