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I Wasn't Prepared to Say Goodbye to My Baby

Photo Credit: Angel Beaver

This is our sweet, perfect baby boy Beckett.

Our pregnancy was going well until it wasn't anymore. I had mild morning sickness, no crazy scares or terrible symptoms. He checked out to be perfectly healthy.

I'm a registered nurse and at 25 weeks pregnant I was at work when I realized I hadn't felt him move that day. But I brushed it off thinking "I've been busy today I'm sure he has."

After work I went down to OB and sure enough they couldn't find a heartbeat.

I knew things weren't okay well before they called the doctor in to confirm with the ultrasound, but there I was lying there praying and hoping for a miracle.

That didn't happen though. I was checked in that night to begin the induction process. Thirty-two hours later, on August 4, 2021, I welcomed my forever sleeping angel into the world.

We held and loved on him for 12 hours before we said goodbye forever. I was told my body looked perfect, that there were no problems with my cervix or uterus. He physically looked perfect as well. . . so what happened?

We don't have our answers yet and we may never have them. This isn't something we were prepared for. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye to my baby. I wasn't prepared to have my baby share his first and last day here with my best friend, who gave birth to her healthy baby girl 12 hours after me. I'm not prepared to watch my sister who is also pregnant to get all the things I don't anymore. I wasn't prepared to have all these feelings.

Child loss isn't fair. It isn't fun.

I hope one day we will have answers or at least some peace. Until then, I sit here with an empty womb and a broken heart, but thankful to not be alone in my grief and in my experience.

Thank you Angel Beaver /@angelkbeaver for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

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