Updated: Aug 1, 2021
Photo Credit: Paige Hill
For years we searched for answers as to why I wasn’t getting pregnant. Then I got diagnosed with PCOS in August 2020. I was put on letrozole tablets to help release my eggs before we could try IVF.
We did three rounds of tablets before I stared losing hope. But then I got two lines on a pregnancy test! The third time is a charm. I couldn’t believe it. The line was strong and I thought "Could it be twins?! Surely not? Maybe?"
I booked a private early scan at 8 weeks to double check that I was pregnant and sure enough we saw a baby on the screen. A small bean. At 12 weeks, we went for our hospital scan and had the shock of our lives. . . twins! I was right all along and they missed it at the early scan (one was hiding.)
The pregnancy was a bit rough but perfect. I was sick every day, but I didn’t bother the hospitals with it too much as they said if you're sick it’s normal. And every scan I had was perfect.
We had a gender scan at 16 weeks and found out we were having identical baby boys. We were so excited, especially daddy as we imagined he would have two new fishing buddies.
The day before my 20 week scan at the hospital, a milestone some say, my world felt like it was ending. In the morning I had a bit of spotting and phoned the hospital. They told me to relax and take it easy but my heart felt like something wasn’t right. I guess that’s what they call motherly instinct. That same night my water broke and I was rushed to the hospital in the back of an ambulance.
When we arrived at the hospital we got scanned and saw the waters were gone from around the boys. But their hearts were still beating, holding onto that little bit of hope.
Then, I was checked to see if I was dilated, and we realized there was no going back. The umbilical cord was present. I knew they wouldn’t make it, being that it was so early. But I was so hopeful and praying that somehow, by a miracle, the boys could just shuffle back inside and grow for a few more weeks.
Through the night I started losing a lot of blood. I knew what was happening but I couldn’t admit it to myself. The next day we got scanned again. I was praying everything was going to be okay. Another midwife was called in and I knew in that instant that it was too late.
I heard the horrible words, “I’m sorry your babies have no heart beats.”
Mine and daddy’s world's broke down and it was the first time I had ever seen him cry in all the years I’ve known him.
My heart felt like it had stopped with my boys' heart.
Then I had to deliver my boys. Labor was induced with tablets. It could take between four and twenty-four hours for contractions to start.
But within three hours, contractions hit me and we got moved to the delivery room. It was just me and my boys' daddy alone in there.
Our little Oscar came out after just seven minutes. He weighed 268g. I thought I would cry seeing my baby, but it was just beautiful to see his little face and hold his hands.
Two hours later our second baby made it into the world. We named him Henry and he weighed 182g. He was just as beautiful, but much smaller than his brother.
It was obvious that a deadly disease called TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) had taken their lives too early. I wish there was a cure for this. I will fight my whole life trying to save other babies from this.
We became a mother and a father that night, only to angels instead. I was meant to be planning a baby shower, not a funeral.
We slept next to our boys for a few nights in the hospital, talking to them and creating memories.
We planned to teach them both about the world but instead we are teaching the world about them.
I love you Oscar and Henry, always and forever.
Oscar and Henry: Born sleeping on July 8, 2021.
Thank you Paige Hill / @Paige94xx for sharing your story and photo. Shared with permission.
Coping with the grief of pregnancy loss can feel impossible and isolating. Surviving the Unimaginable is a guide to surviving loss, told through the voices of loss parents with the help of a clinical psychologist.
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