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I Think About My Stillborn Daughter Every Day

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

Photo by Carolyn Neill

I had been with my partner for just under a year when I found out I was pregnant.

I already had two boys from my previous marriage, and we were shocked initially. But as we got used to the news, we were really excited.

We found out we were having a girl at our 20 week scan and were over the moon! A little girl!

My pregnancy continued with no complications.

At 33 weeks I was at work and noticed she wasn’t moving as much as usual but I was still getting kicks. I went home and took a bath and she gave loads of strong kicks, assuring me everything was okay. For a while, at least.

An hour or two later, I told my partner something just didn’t feel right. She wasn’t moving around as much as usual. We went to the hospital fully expecting to be sent home with the all clear, but I knew the minute the midwife put the Doppler on my tummy she couldn’t find a heartbeat.

A doctor came and did a scan. I’ll never forget his words. “I’m so sorry Carolyn, but your baby has died, there’s no heartbeat.” Heartbroken is an understatement.

I was taken in the next morning, a Saturday, to be induced.

It took five long days for our little angel, Lucy, to be born. Lucy was so beautiful with a head full of black hair. We got to keep her on the ward with us until we laid her to rest the following Saturday.

I think about you every day, baby girl, and always will. Until we meet again my little Angel, Lucy.

Thank you @CAROLYNNEILL82 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Coping with the grief of pregnancy loss can feel impossible and isolating. Surviving the Unimaginable is a guide to surviving loss, told through the voices of loss parents with the help of a clinical psychologist.

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