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I Lost My Baby and I'm Not Hiding It

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

Photo Credit: Paola Ulloa

After several years of trying and going through many things, including treatments and even a surgery, on November 11 I got a surprise. The result I'd been waiting to see—a positive pregnancy test. I say it was a surprise because for those of us who are used to seeing negative results, seeing the second line creates a feeling of disbelief.

I took four tests, and could have done more if I'd had more. When I saw that positive, I just cried and told myself "it can not be, it can not be."

I was crying when I woke up my husband. I told him to sit down and turn on the light. I always imagined giving him the news in a special way and filming his reaction for us to remember, but at that moment I just wanted to tell him.

He couldn't believe it. He hugged me and immediately told me to go to the lab. We wanted to do a blood test, which seems crazy, but we needed to be sure.

So began what would be almost four weeks of happiness knowing that our first child was on the way.

But on December 2, I started to bleed. It was a lot of blood so we immediately thought the worst.

We were able to be seen in the ER and worried that everything was lost. When the doctor arrived and did the ultrasound, we were relieved. The baby was there and his heartbeat was strong.

My husband and I were holding hands, and tears were coming out of our eyes while the doctor turned up the volume so we could hear our baby's heart.

He explained that the bleeding was still active and that there was a threat of having a miscarriage.

He advised that I be on strict bed rest, accompanied by progestin.

It was a hard week with not being allowed to move around and my husband working and doing everything around the house. But he handled everything with strength and encouraged me. We prayed daily and talked to the baby, telling him or her to stay!

On December 9, we had a checkup. We were ready to see the baby and this time we planned to film it. We had many reservations, but continued on with hope and faith.

Unfortunately, the ultrasound confirmed the devastating news that we had lost our baby. I cannot explain it to you, but if you have not gone through something similar, it is the most heartbreaking feeling I'd ever had—I think my husband felt the same.

The doctor was talking to us, but in my mind it was like an echo. Leaving the appointment, we arrived at the car and just sat there for almost an hour. It was horrible. I do not wish anything like this on anyone. We were broken and I wondered how I was supposed to cope with the news.

It has been almost two months and it's still hard to digest it all. It is such a strange grief, a feeling of emptiness. I feel like I'm in limbo. Thank God though, that as a married couple, it has united us more than we already were. Our mutual vulnerability is making us stronger every day. We have had the unconditional support of our families, and our closest friends.

As a woman it has also helped me to open up with friends who have gone through the same, and for those who know me, I do not usually show my sorrows in public. I do not like to burden anyone with my pain, but I am also someone who believes there are certain topics that should not be taboo, such as infertility and miscarriage.

Losing a child is not something that should have to hide and carry in silence.

My grief is gone. I still cry, I still break. And it is a process that will take time.

I will not forget. I will carry my baby in my heart always. After experiencing this, I have fears to overcome, of course. But if I can help someone with my story, I will keep sharing it.

I planned to announce a pregnancy, but now I tell people that we have gained an angel—the most beautiful angel God could give us.

Thank you @pao_ur for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Coping with the heartache of miscarriage can feel lonely. I Had a Miscarriage is a powerful companion for those who have experienced loss, with insight from both a personal and psychological perspective.

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