Image Credit: Corchele Smith
Today you would have been 5 years old.
Today is also the day where you took your last breath five years ago.
These last five years have felt like a lifetime yet I can still remember the day as if it were yesterday.
Everything appeared to be normal the night we went into L&D.
It was joyful, until it wasn't.
I remember the doctor saying "You're baby is dead. Do you want CPR?"
Then, "I'm sorry we aren't getting a heartbeat. Do you want us to keep doing CPR?"
Then, "We got a heartbeat. She's not in good shape. We've put her on life support and continue to do everything we can"
I still vividly remember your dad saying over and over "Do anything and everything to keep her alive until her mother can meet her." And they did.
Your soul was still in its physical body when I finally woke up from the anesthesia.
I remember the way my heart dropped to my stomach when I first laid eyes on you.
This nightmare wasn't a dream at all, it was reality.
You were suffering and keeping you on life support was selfish, especially since there had been zero improvement in eight hours.
It was at that moment where your father and I made the most heart wrenching and selfless decision we've ever had to make—to say "See you again" and give your soul permission to leave your body.
For the next two hours you stayed in your physical body and were more alive than you'd ever been. I loved every second of it. It's still a memory I have difficulty talking about because it was such a sacred experience.
At ten hours old you took your last breath.
In the blink of an eye everything changed.
All our hopes and dreams for you were crushed.
The world went dark.
The future felt scary.
Your father and I didn't plan for this.
How were we supposed to navigate through life?
What did living life after having our baby die look like?
Even after five years, I'm still not sure I know the answer to these questions.
I'm just living life to the fullest and taking it day by day.
Baby girl, you and I are still strongly connected and always will be. It's a connection few understand. Luckily for us, nobody needs to understand.
Breklyn, you helped me find my purpose in life. You're the reason why I do what I do today.
I love you so much!
I hope you have the most magical day. I hope you celebrate this day. And if you have time, I hope you take the opportunity to visit me.
Happy 5th birthday and angel-versary to you, Breklyn May.