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Baby Boy, There's a Part of You Here With Me

Photo Credit: Meredith Bult

To My Sweet Boy:

We had been trying to get pregnant for over a year, had two miscarriages, and got no answers. We stopped tracking and trying about a month before the night I found out you were there.

I was going out with your aunts so I took a test just to be safe because I didn’t want to drink if I was pregnant.

I saw the darkest second line I’ve ever seen and I knew you were a boy right away.

I remember seeing you for the first time. Your daddy and I were so happy to see you and hear your heartbeat. Everything looked perfect until our 12-week appointment.

We went in and the ultrasound tech didn’t say much. She confirmed your heartbeat, then said she’d send in the doctor.

Daddy couldn’t stay because of COVID, so I had to hear the doctor tell me alone that you’d eventually die.

She told me you had a big cyst on your neck and that meant something was wrong. She scheduled us for an appointment with MFM and we went two days later. The doctor said it was most likely Down syndrome.

They said I should terminate and I said "absolutely not," especially not without knowing for sure something was wrong.

We did an NIPT test and waited two weeks to hear back. When they called, the first thing I was told was that you came back with a 92% chance of having trisomy 13. My heart broke. It wasn’t Down syndrome, it was much worse. It gave you so little hope of life.

She then confirmed you were a boy, which I already knew (momtuition I guess.) She recommended termination again and I said no.

She told me most babies don’t make it past 15 weeks with trisomy 13 and I was already 14 weeks, so I just wanted to enjoy my time with you.

I had a little gender reveal for daddy and we braced ourselves for the next appointment at 16 weeks.

That was the worst day of my life.

We went in and your heartbeat didn’t thunder through the machine like it had before. The ultrasound sound tech turned it off and told us what we didn’t want to hear. You were gone.

They told us that you had stopped growing at 13 weeks but it looked like your heart didn’t stop until recently. I knew it was because you weren’t ready to leave yet. I wanted to deliver you but they said I couldn’t because it would most likely kill me so I had to have a D&C.

We cried for forever and nothing felt right.

I decided I didn’t want to get pregnant for a long time if ever again because I missed you too much. But as I sit here rocking your baby sister to sleep, I know there’s a part of you here with me and I’m glad I did.

We love you and miss you so much Michael.

Thank you Meredith Bult for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss. Pregnancy AFTER loss can also be disorienting. Courageously Expecting is an empathetic and encouraging companion for those who are pregnant after losing a baby.

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