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Losing My Baby Girl Is The Worst Thing That's Happened

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

Photo Credit: Sara Colley

It was a planned pregnancy and took us six months to get pregnant.

At five weeks, I began bleeding on and off. When I went to the hospital, I found out I was having twins! I couldn't believe it. We were scared, as we also had a three-year-old, but excited too.

At seven weeks, sadly one of our twins stopped growing.

My pregnancy continued normally. I bled for a short time more, but the bleeding seemed to settle after that. I was worried, so I booked a few private scans to make sure everything was okay. At each scan, the midwife said our little Ava was in an awkward position, but never once did anyone express concern.

At my 20-week scan, Ava was in an awkward position. My midwife had me move around, but nothing changed her position. They tried to do a regular checkup, but they couldn't see her full spine.

I was scheduled to return at 21 weeks, but the night before the appointment, I had the worst feeling. I literally hear a voice in my head that said "your baby is going to die." I tried to shake it off and told myself to stop being stupid. At midnight, I woke up to go the the bathroom and when I got to my bedroom door, my waters broke. I started having a panic attack and woke my husband up to call the hospital.

I was admitted right away due to getting an infection and being high risk.

The doctors had no clue why this happened and they couldn't give us any answers. They said our baby girl was coming and there was nothing they could do. They said that even if she showed signs of life, they could only help her if she had been 24 weeks.

I tried to hold her in for another week but as the days went by her movements decreased. On the third day, I felt nothing.

Doctors advised that I stop listening for her heartbeat and she most likely wouldn't make it. They wanted her out and said it was putting my life at risk. They said they couldn't save her, but they could save me, but all I wanted them to do was save her.

They induced me to speed labor up, plus I had started to dilate. At 22 weeks, after a 12-hour labor, our beautiful Ava was born sleeping. She was perfect in every way.

I was in complete shock.

Photo Credit: Sara Colley

I wondered how could this happen? How is every mother on the ward having their babies and I have to say goodbye? How have I just gone through all the pain to not hear my babies cry?

I held Ava in my arms and cuddled her for hours. Losing her is the worst thing that has happened to me and not a day goes by that I don't wish she was here with us.

We decided to do a postmortem to get some answers, and they discovered Ava had missing vertebrae within her spine. They strongly believe that was the reason for my waters breaking, and one doctor even said if my waters hadn't broken, she would have eventually passed away.

I honestly never thought something like this would ever happen to me.

Losing my baby girl and planning her funeral—no mother should ever have to do that. But unfortunately there are many of us that go through this heartache and all we can do is share our stories and support one another.

To my beautiful angel: I miss you so much.

Thank you @sarasilva_94 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

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