I Miss My Baby Boy Every Day

Photo Credit: Alexis Griffin

I was twenty-two weeks pregnant with my first baby. I hadn't even begun to feel pregnant until I had my gender reveal, which just so happened to be my birthday—I loved being able to share that day with him.

It was a boy, and I was so excited because I so badly wanted it to be a boy.

Sadly, it was my last week of feeling pure joy during my pregnancy. The following week, I experienced the worst cramps when I was on my way to work and I could not walk.

I finally decided to head to the hospital and found out my worst nightmare was coming true. I was already completely dilated. I was a young 22-year-old and was trying to hold out to the very last second.

After feeling nauseous and becoming sick, my water broke. My baby boy had a heartbeat, which he continued to have for about a minute after he was born.

I've never felt so defeated in my life.

During labor, with tears falling, I kept saying "I don't want to push." I would have done anything to save my baby boy.

I did not want to leave the hospital without him and held him next to me the entire day and night. He had his hand placed under his chin, so natural, so sweet.

He was supposed to be born on June 5, 2020. I miss him every day.

My sweet Khai, such a pure soul. I hope one day he will send me his perfect brother or sister.

Thank you Alexis Griffin / alexis_shenique for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Coping with the grief of pregnancy loss can feel impossible and isolating. Surviving the Unimaginable is a guide to surviving loss, told through the voices of loss parents with the help of a clinical psychologist.

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