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Every Day Without My Baby Boy Is Harder

Photo by: Jennifer Valentin Sanchez

It has been 100 days since I said goodbye to my son.

There is something incredibly freeing about telling your story, letting things out instead of keeping it all to yourself. As hard as people try to relate, they can never understand your pain.

On April 1, 2021, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy, Carlos Francisco. We held him in our arms for the first, last, and only time. We couldn’t bring him home. Instead, we had to say goodbye and quickly make arrangements to bury him.

Our son was a miracle, a reminder that God had not forgotten about me. Proof that my body was not broken or incapable of having a baby.

But my water broke too soon and I was placed on hospital bed rest with the hope that our baby could be saved.

As the days passed, nature took its course and I began to have contractions all morning. Eventually, my contractions were only minutes apart. I dreaded this moment because I knew exactly what that meant—it was time to push.

Knowing that you are about to give birth to your baby and that he’s not going home with you—it is absolutely traumatizing. It really messes with your mind.

For years we asked God for him. For far too long we waited for the miracle that would change our lives, make it better, fill it with life and joy. Every decision we made while waiting, we made it thinking that one day our family would grow.

Where we lived, where we worked, our schedules, investments, cars, every single decision.

We were ready for him in every aspect.

The months I carried him inside me were the best months of my life. He was absolutely perfect, with the most beautiful little lips, perfect little nose, round little cheeks, cute little hands and feet. Perhaps too perfect for this imperfect world.

I did everything I could to protect him and stay healthy. I’ll never understand the reasons why this happened.

What I do know is that my baby is in the hands of God. What better place is there?

But it doesn’t make the pain any less. It doesn’t feel like it’s getting better with time either. On the contrary, every day is harder. I live with the shock of what happened and the ache of what never will.

Every day I walk by my son's room where I should be watching him sleep and anxiously waiting for him to wake up. Every day I’m reminded of what could have been but isn’t. Our lives have changed forever. I am completely broken.

It has been 100 days. . .

Thank you Jennifer Valentin Sanchez / @jennyvb87 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

We know that losing a child is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can experience. Loved Baby is a beautiful resource to help grieving parents of faith through their darkest days.

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