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My Baby Boy Will Always Be a Part of Me

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

Photo provided by Amna Love

I was so happy to find out I was pregnant with baby number three, with a due date of May 13, 2021.

My pregnancies with my daughters were very difficult and both were born prematurely, but they are thriving now.

My 12-week scan was good, but at 14 weeks, my water broke. The bed was all wet and I knew something was wrong. I went to the hospital and discovered that there was no water around the baby, but there was still a strong heartbeat. There was no pain or bleeding.

I was in the hospital for two days before being sent home. I was advised to come back if I got a fever, experienced bleeding, or was in pain.

I was just praying that all would go well.

My sister thought I should be on bed rest, but that was difficult to do since my girls often wanted me to play with them.

I was leaking every couple days and praying every second.

At my next appointment, there was still no fluid around the baby, but a strong heartbeat remained.

The doctor told me my bloodwork showed a high level of infection. I had an appointment with another doctor who did a scan and told me there was no good outcome. He advised that I terminate my pregnancy because my own life was at risk.

I was numb and didn’t know what to say or ask, but I knew my two girls needed me at home. Even worse, I was alone because of COVID and no one was allowed inside the hospital with me.

I spoke with my family about the doctor’s advice and they believed I should follow it. I was so upset thinking about it.

I ended up going to the hospital to have labor induced. My baby boy was born sleeping at 18 weeks on October 12, 2020.

He was perfect and beautiful and I was devastated that we had to bury him.

I started reading online about PPROM, and read about so many babies who survived it. I felt awful, like maybe I was wrong. I have regret every day. I feel as though I’m a bad mother, as if I’m a failure.

There have been so many sleepless nights. I don’t feel like I can tell anyone how my heart is broken.

I miss my baby boy. I love him. He will always be a part of me.

There aren’t enough words to describe the pain.

They say that things get better with time, but I’m not so sure.

Thank you Amna Love for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

We know that losing a child is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can experience. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is a beautiful resource to help grieving parents through their darkest days.

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