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I Will Always Talk About the Baby Boy I Lost

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

Photo Credit: Jennifer Mathes

My husband and I were finally ready to start trying for children in August 2020. We figured it would take a bit of time, so we didn't stress about it too much.

Things worked in our favor as on September 17, 2020, we found out we were expecting. Our due date was May 26, 2021. It was so exciting for us and for our families!

Everything looked good on the ultrasounds and at twelve weeks, our baby was moving so much. My blood tests were good, too, and baby’s heartbeat was strong.

I had a gut feeling that it was a boy, but my husband wanted to be surprised and wait until our baby was born to find out the baby’s sex.

I had a prenatal appointment on December 12, 2020, which would turn out to be my last one.

I had been experiencing some back pain, but I figured it was just everything starting to grow and move around, so I didn't think about it much.

But on December 22, I woke up to my water breaking. It was 1:00 a.m., and waking my husband up to tell him what happened was the scariest moment.

We went to the emergency room and they confirmed that my water had broken, but baby was still going strong.

We decided to do expectant management and just do weekly appointments.

One of the doctors warned us that cord prolapse was a possibility, especially being as early as I was (17 weeks), but she said it was rare.

I happened to be one of those rare people.

When the cord started to come out six days later, we already knew what the outcome was going to be.

Finding out that your baby's heartbeat is slowly declining and knowing what's happening inside your body sucks.

We decided to go with the D&E procedure.

On December 29, 2020, at eighteen weeks and six days pregnant, Austin Lee was born into our hearts.

Luckily, the hospital allowed both my husband and sister with me, so that helped. I couldn't have gone through this without them.

Since we didn't hold him, we have been making personalized items to memorialize him.

I was eventually diagnosed with cervical insufficiency. It sucks that this isn't diagnosed until after the loss of a baby. We hope to have our rainbow baby soon, but we know it's going to be a long road no matter what.

Austin Lee Mathes will always be remembered and I will always talk about him and our journey.

Thank you Jennifer Mathes / @jennmathes18 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Coping with the grief of pregnancy loss can feel impossible and isolating. Surviving the Unimaginable is a guide to surviving loss, told through the voices of loss parents with the help of a clinical psychologist. Recommendations in this post contain affiliate links. We may receive a small commission if you choose to purchase.

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