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I Hope He Felt Our Love

Photo Credit: Sandra Gutierrez

My husband and I found out I was pregnant with our first little baby the night of April 30. I was so happy to be expecting a child with the love of my life.

During the first few weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I started spotting and immediately thought I had miscarried. I was able to see an OB-GYN due to the bleeding. The ultrasound showed my little tiny baby measured at 6 weeks, 1 day gestation. It also showed there was a cyst in my left ovary, and a subchorionic hemorrhage in my right ovary, which I was told was common and should go away on its own.

Thankfully it did. However, during the end of the first trimester, I experienced hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness.) I was taken to the ER for dehydration and was scared I wasn’t giving my baby proper nutritions because I couldn’t eat or drink without throwing up.

After the ER visit, things slowly got better. I heard my baby’s strong heartbeat for the first time on June 28. And the last time I heard a healthy heartbeat was on July 28.

I was supposed to find out the gender on August 18. Due to COVID, my husband hadn't been able to come to appointments, but an exception was made for this one.We went in with high expectations. We strongly felt I was having a boy, but just wanted our baby to be healthy.

When the second trimester started, I experienced the glow and energy that people talk about. So I figured everything was on the right path.

The lady performing the ultrasound was very nice and talkative to us at first. She asked if we wanted to know the gender or not, but since I had planned my gender reveal for the following weekend, we didn’t want to know just yet.

As she was looking at my baby, I failed to put it together. She was quiet and kept looking at certain areas for a long time. She played the audio and it was dead silent. It wasn't until she left to make a phone call that we realized something was wrong.

She told me to head to my OB. The drive was only two minutes but it felt like eternity. I cried, expecting to hear the worst. Which we did.

My baby had stopped growing a week before. I was 20 weeks pregnant. On August 19, I was induced and cried hysterically telling the nurse I was about to give birth but my baby wouldn't be alive.

At 8:22 p.m. he arrived.

That was when we found out he was a precious baby boy. We held him for as long as we could. I immediately noticed he was going to have so many of his daddy’s features. I cried all night and we kissed him as we said our goodbyes.

The physical pain I experienced was nothing compared to the emotional pain I feel to this day. I experienced ZERO physical signs that anything could’ve been wrong. I think that’s what triggers me the most. I wish I would’ve had a sign that something was wrong.

It wasn’t until I gave birth that my OB noticed his umbilical cord seemed to have twisted. There was absolutely nothing that could’ve saved him. Did I bend down wrong? Did I pick up something heavy I wasn’t suppose to? Did I eat or drink something I shouldn’t have? I try to remind myself every day that it wasn’t my fault.

For any woman who goes through this painful experience, you are not alone. I will not give up on this journey. I have my angel above watching me become a stronger woman every day. I will continue living life because of him. And I hope he felt all the love me and his daddy gave to him while in my belly. We miss you, Andres Francisco Anderson.

Thank you @mrs.sandra_xo for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

Pregnancy and infant loss can leave grieving parents feeling isolated and unsure how to navigate the heartbreaking circumstance of living without their precious baby. Unexpecting delicately helps grieving parents navigate the complexities and heartache of life after loss.

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