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I Held My Baby As She Passed Away

Updated: Apr 4, 2021

I already have 3 beautiful step kids, and when my husband and I got married I gave birth to our first child together, Willow.

When Willow was a year old, we decided to have another. We found out we were pregnant around the end of March, 2020. We were ecstatic.

At 12 weeks, we found out we were having another beautiful girl and were so excited. Around that time, I started bleeding and passing little clots. The doctors I was seeing at the time said it was normal. But my mama instincts told me something was wrong.

As each week passed, my bleeding got worse. By 19 weeks, I was put on bedrest for the amount of bleeding I was having, but no cause could be found.

At twenty-two-and-a-half weeks I was admitted to the hospital, and the new doctor was concerned of a placental abruption but could not find it on the ultrasound.

I continued to bleed, and at 23 weeks, 4 days my girl Rowan Joy was born. She had a very rough start and we almost lost her that first night. She was so little. But she was mama's fighter. She fought an amazing fight for 12 days.

Photo by Kayla Brooks

On the night of September 15, 2020, I got a call that I should come to the hospital. When I got there her lungs had collapsed and they couldn't get them open. As the night progressed, her lungs opened back up, but because of a large PDA, her blood pressure continued to drop and would not rise.

At 5 a.m. we started to lose her. Because of COVID, I was by myself, but they allowed me to call my husband, who was two hours away, to come in.

They found if they pressed on her liver her blood pressure would stay up. So the nurse practitioner and I took turns holding her tiny tummy until my husband got there, and I got to hold my baby girl for the first time as she passed away.

We miss her every single day and are at such a loss without her.

Thank you @kayla_dawn153 for sharing your story. Shared with permission.

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